I never thought I’d have a miscarriage story to share but now I have two. My heart still hurts profusely and there’s no words to describe the pain because there’s nothing quite like it and I am so sorry to anyone who is reading this and going through a miscarriage. I want to post my experience for those who want to understand what happens when a mother miscarries, not only the physical aspects but also the emotional parts.

One in four pregnancies will end in miscarriage. I learnt this after our first miscarriage and I was utterly shocked but just like every pregnancy is different so too is every miscarriage. Our first miscarriage was nothing like the second, if I hadn’t known I was pregnant, I would have assumed it was just my usual period at the time. The pregnancy ended “naturally” (for lack of a better term) over the course of a week. It took me a few months to feel normal again (not sure if you ever really are) but I was ready to try again.

We got the all clear from our doctor and I started a course of folic acid for a few months. And then one day we felt led to try again and we became pregnant right away and we couldn’t believe it. We were so thankful and filled with joy but I didn’t feel pregnant straight away and then into my 6th week I started feeling nauseous, I wasn’t throwing up but I felt terrible and I was exhausted all the time which meant I struggled to do everyday chores.

At this point I decided to go to the doctor to get something for the nausea to go away. This would also be our first ultrasound so we were excited and nervous all at the same time. I really didn’t want an internal scan and the OB reassured me that it was fine and wouldn’t do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. Before we knew it our little baby was on the screen, 7+ weeks, in the correct position with the most comforting, beautiful sound a mother can hear – the heartbeat. Thank God, it’s there, pumping, strong and healthy. Tears ran naturally down my face. We were both so happy and left the clinic feeling very positive but nothing could have prepared us for the next 48 hours.

The next day I went back to the clinic for medication for my nausea that my OB advised was best to be administered through IV. I spent about an hour on the drip and felt amazing afterwards. My nausea had completely disappeared. I felt great. I went home but later that night, after dinner, I started feeling severe cramping which I was convinced had something to do with constipation. These cramps lasted for about an hour but there was no blood which is why no warning alarms were raised. The rest of the night was fine with just light cramping and me searching for natural home remedies to relief constipation. The next morning I woke up in severe pain again, this time there was blood. My heart sank because I knew exactly what was happening. We were miscarrying. My husband rushed me to ER, the cramping increased in intensity on the way there, the bleeding started to run down more and as I was put on the hospital I passed our baby. There was a lot of blood, the sac and placenta.

There are no words to describe how sad this experience was, how lonely it felt and how heartbreaking it is that this is part of my life. The next few hours were a blur, I had a whirlwind of emotions just like the first I felt sadness, anger, fear, confusion and regret for trying again so soon. But the experience was nothing like the first, this time I delivered our baby. I wasn’t given the option to really see our baby but I wish I had asked. I saw them putting what looked like the sac into a medical container to send off for testing. An ultrasound later showed that I still had some tissue left inside from the pregnancy and doctors were hoping it’ll pass naturally but it didn’t.

I was given three options, wait it out, a course of Misoprostol pills (which are inserted into your lady bits) and lastly a D&C. I don’t remember the exact details of the Misoprostol pill but I was given 3 tablets each time and during this time I developed diarrhoea and a fever which meant I needed to be put on a course antibiotics. It was also extremely difficult for nurses to find my vein which left me with a lot of bruising and needle holes from the IV and blood samples they needed. I was still in a lot of pain and bleeding but nothing had passed. During this time the doctors tried to remove the pregnancy tissue while I was awake which was painful and very uncomfortable with no luck.

Finally on day 3 the doctors decided it was best for me to have the D&C done and I agreed. I was in pain, I was exhausted and I missed my daughter so much. I just wanted to go home at this point. I talked to the anaesthesiologist about my options and I chose full anaesthetic and before I knew it I was in the operating room. The last thing I remember hearing was the doctor saying I was in fact 11 weeks gone. I didn’t get a chance to discuss this but I hoping to get more clarity at my follow-up appointment.

I woke up in the recovery room and I instantly felt an extreme burning sensation around my womb/uterus area for about 15 minutes. The nurses in recovery were so kind, patient and caring towards me. I cried for the duration of my time there. The anaesthesiologist and doctor who performed my D&C came around to do their routine checks. They were happy and it was time for me to head back to my room. I felt so much better after the surgery but more importantly I felt positive about trying again in the future. I stayed in hospital for a few more hours until doctors were happy with my vitals. I was given another course of antibiotics to take and finally discharged.

It’s been a week since the miscarriage, I’ve had a few emotional breakdowns but I have stopped bleeding. It’s been the toughest week of my life even with the abundance of support and well wishes from family and friends, I’m still finding it extremely challenging to stay positive and face each day. I am not in the best of mood to talk to anyone, or do anything. And I’m learning that it’s OK, there’s no rush and I should take my time to mourn and feel it all.

While I don’t know if we’ll ever have our rainbow baby – I am hopeful. I am grateful for my faith in God, my child I get to care for everyday and my wonderful husband who is truly my best friend.